True love never dies.

True love never dies.

You know there is a fine like between just liking someone and loving someone. The difference is hard to tell sometimes but over the years and through the countless crushes that I have had I have learned the difference. I can’t explain the difference but trust, me you will know it when you feel it.

Many years ago I got a crush on a girl and, the crush somehow escalated to love and to be honest she is the only person I have actually felt love for. It was a strange feeling for me to feel. Never in a million years would I have thought that I, Mathew Richerd Bell would ever be able to feel love for someone else.

Her name was Michelle Marie Evans and in my eyes she was perfect. She had long blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, and an amazing body even though she never thought so. Now this girl started off as a stranger. Oh sure I seen her around town when I went walking, a girl like her is hard to miss, but I never said anything to her because she was so pretty it intimidated me but one day while I was sitting on a bench in the middle of main street just watching traffic something happened.

I seen her standing across the street admiring a dress in a store window and I couldn’t stop myself from staring. I guess she felt me looking at her because she looked over my way and we locked eyes for a very brief moment in time. But in that brief moment my heart started pounding, my breath got caught in my throat, and a strange feeling was fluttering around in my stomach. I had no clue what was going on but all I knew is that I didn’t quite like what I was feeling…but at the same time I did. I quickly looked away hoping I didn’t creep her out. I noticed her walking my way a few minutes later. ‘She seen me staring at her.’ I thought, ‘She’s coming over here to tell me how much of a creep I am for staring at her. What if I say something weird? What if she slaps me for staring at her? (I tend to over think things sometimes) What if-‘ ‘My thoughts were interrupted by her sitting next to me and saying,
“Hey.”
‘Oh my God.’ I thought, ‘She is talking to me. What do I say?’
“Hey.” She repeated again.
“H-hey there.” I somehow manage to say.
“What’s up?”She shoots a smile at me.
“Oh, not much. Just sitting here watching traffic. What about you?” I return the smile.
“That’s not all you were watching sir.”
‘Oh crap, here comes the slap.’
“Why were you looking at me like that?”
“I…um…I don’t know…I’m sorry.
“Tell me the truth please…I want to know why you were staring at me. She spoke in a firm, but not harsh voice.
‘What the hell,’ I thought, ‘I might as well go for it.’ I took a deep breath in and said, “You’re the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen in my life, and I just couldn’t take my eyes away from you. I know people probably tell you this a lot but, you’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on.” I braced myself for a slap.
She gets a puzzled look on her face. “Why are you doing that?”
“Doing what?”
“Clenching your face like that.”
“Oh, well to be honest I thought you were going to slap me.”
She started to laugh. “Why on earth would I slap you silly? That was so sweet!”
Her telling me that made me smile. “May I ask your name, miss?”
“My name is Michelle Marie Evans. What’s your’s?
“What?…Oh, ummm…it’s…ummm.” ‘Think man think. How can you forget your name?’
“Well are you going to tell me?”
At last I remember and say with a bit more enthusiasm than I intended, “Matt. My name is Matt Bell.”
She chuckled and said, “Well Matt, That’s a cute name.”
And from that moment on we were no longer strangers.

One thing led to another and eventually after about two years of talking, and me asking countless times, she agreed to go on a date with me that ended in a kiss and from that first kiss I knew my crush was no longer a crush…I was in love with her and that realization both scared and excited me. I had always avoided people in life every since I lost my family. I never got close to anyone because I started to assume that all people were bad and even if there were good people left I would be better off without them in my life. I just figured that without people in my life I would have it easier…but she changed all that. She showed me the good and she made me realize that I could feel this thing called love. I thought to myself, ‘This is it. This is what love feels like. Love isn’t bad at all…love is great!’ Boy I sure was wrong though.

You see about a year later the very God she believed in did something horrible. The God she believed in with all her heart and soul, the God she prayed to every night, gave her cancer…and it was inoperable and the doctors said she was going to to die within a year.
Now I could have left and sparred myself the hurt of watching her go through all the pain but I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t leave her when she needed me the most and I thought that if I stayed that she would return the favor and not leave me. I stayed by her side every day. When all her hair fell out I stayed, when she cried I cried with her, when she was in so much pain that she begged for death I was there holding her hand telling her it would be okay, and two years later when she used her last breath to whisper I love you I was there holding her hand.

When she left I tried to fight the tears but it was no use. I cried for months, cursed the very God she taught me to believe in, and finally drank myself into an early grave thinking that if I were dead the pain would go away…but even in death I’m still crying over her, I still wander this earth as invisible as the wind and as silent as a teardrop. The only thing that brings me even a little bit of happiness are the memories that once was but never will be again.

By T.J. Tom 9/19/2013 edited 9/20/2013

A night to remember.

A night to remember.

I was laying on my bed listening to the thunder roar like a lion and the rain hammer down like nails on the tin roof. Oh how I love that sound. It both frightens, and sooths me at the same time. I heard a knock on the front door, “Who on earth could that be this time of night?” I thought to myself as I got up and walked to the living room, and without even asking who it was I opened the door.
To my surprise the person I saw standing there was my best friend Kelly.
“What on earth are you doing out this late? And in this weather none the less.”
“I’m sorry Sam.” She said, ” I just really need to talk to you.” Her blue eyes were starry, and her blond hair already dripping from the rain.
“Of course. Come right on in.”
Once inside I gave her a towel to dry off with, and led her to the couch and sat down.
“Now.” I said, “What’s up?”
Her voice was almost shaky as she said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think-” She got real quite.
“Hey. Look at me. You can tell me anything. Okay? Now what’s wrong?”
She then looked me dead in the eye and kissed me right on the lips and said, “What’s wrong is that I can not stop thinking about you, I can not get you out of my head and the more I fight these feelings, the stronger they get. I tell you everything, but one thing I never told you for more then one reason is that…I think I love you.” She was crying now.
I put my hand on her leg and said, “It’s okay. Don’t cry please, because to be honest I have been wanting you to do that for a long time.”
She smiled and ran her hand through my long brown hair, and my hand started drifting further up her leg. She kissed me again and cupped one of my breast. Our tongues did an exotic dance in each others mouth and as all this was happening I was feeling myself getting wet. I was a little confused at this because I have never been sexually attracted to another female before but Kelly was different somehow. I was feeling a lot of things and this felt so right that it couldn’t be wrong. What I felt was not just lust. I could tell by the way me heart was beating, and it was much stronger then a simple crush. I could tell by the feeling I got when she kissed me, this feeling was love…and that scared me, but not nearly enough to make me want to stop. By now my top was off and my bare milky white breast were exposed. She started to work her way down by kissing my neck. This drove me wild. Every kiss was like a drug and it kept me wanting more. I tried to fight back a moan, but it was no use. She worked her way down from my neck and started sucking on my nipples while caressing my breast with one hand, and rubbing my clit through my pajama bottoms with the other. By now my hand was up her skirt and I was laying on the couch with her on top of me. She let out a soft moan then stopped long enough to take her top off. She had no bra on and her breast were fully exposed. She looked so sexy. She then started kissing me again and with every kiss worked her way down further. She slowly pulled my pajama bottoms off (I wasn’t wearing underwear cause I was home alone),put her head between my legs, and took me to heaven. Her tongue felt so good inside me. It was like nothing I have ever felt with any man. She knew just where to touch and for just how long. I pushed my hips up and down, put my hand on her head and started moaning so loud that I’m surprised I didn’t wake the neighbors. She looked up at me and said, “I guess you like that.” She winked at me then got up and took the rest of her cloths off and started to try to get back on me, but I told her to wait.
“What’s wrong?” She asked.
“Oh nothing.” I said, “Just admiring how dang sexy you are.” She had a build similar to my body, only her boobs were just slightly bigger then mine.
She just smiled as I stood up and started kissing her again. I than threw her on the couch, spread her legs and buried my face in between her thighs. She tasted so good. I couldn’t make myself stop, and she was moaning louder then I was. My hand drifted to my wet lips, and I started to please myself while I ate her out. The rain was still pounding on the roof, and I still heard the thunder, but that only excited me more. Every flash of lightning pushed us closer to over the limit. I pulled myself on top of her and started thrusting my woman parts into hers. Our breathing was getting faster, she went to let out a moan, but I shut her up by kissing her. “This feels so good.” She said. I smiled and started breathing and going faster with every breath, and she started to moan more and more and with each moan she got louder. She wrapped her long legs around my waist, grabbed my butt with her hands, and pushed her parts to mine harder with each thrust. We both let out a scream of pleasure as the lightning flashed a final time, the thunder clapped, and we at last reached climax together.

We stayed up the rest of the night talking and even though she got married years later and we hardly speak now, that will be a night neither of us will ever forget.

By T.J. Tom

5/2/2013, edited a lil on 5/4/2013

No one was alive to remember.

No one was alive to remember.

I awake from my short sleep still filled with guilt. I step outside and breath in the martin air, with eyes closed I picture you here with me, I picture you by my side on this now lushes earthlike planet. It is the year 2520 and almost anything is possible now, but yet I can’t be with you. “It isn’t fair” I scream in my mind. “it isn’t fair that you are there destined to die on that now miserable blue planet I use to call home. You should be here with me.” With eyes still closed I am taken back to the day all this started.

I was awoke by your kiss. I opened my eyes and told you how beautiful you were as I did every morning. You turned a deep shade of red like you always did, tossed me a smile, and told me you loved me. I then got up out of my bed and got ready for work while you made breakfast. You always loved to cook and you where very good at it . I dinned on pancakes and eggs while you sat beside me drinking coffee and before I knew it I was out the door and on my way to work. It was at that moment I heard the news.
A meteor was coming, one 100 times the size of the one that destroyed the state of newyork back in 2099. This one would destroy the planet. I trembled at the thought. It would hit in 3 days and they had to move everyone off the planet by then. That was an impossible task. I ran home embraced you in my arms and with a tear stricken choice I told you the news.
We quickly packed what we could and headed towards the shuttle station. Already there where Hundreds of men, women, and children screaming and running about. It was pure kayos. The conductor said there was only enough room for two more people and luckily we where next in line. I got on but just as soon as you where about to step foot on this crowded shuttle, the door closed. I yelled at the conductor and demanded to know what happen. I never got a full explanation. I then begged to get off but it was too late. I was on a shuttle and in just a few short minutes I would be on mars.
When my shuttle arrived I got out and waited for you hoping, praying that you where on another shuttle…but after two days of waiting, thousands of shuddles, and millions of people later I didn’t find you.

I opened my eyes in just enough time to see the meteor crash into the blue planet called Earth. It was a huge explosion and was as bright as a thousand suns. It was mesmerizing, and it had a dark sense of beauty to it. I then fell to my knees and started to cry. I screamed your name from the top of my lungs hoping to hear your voice telling me it would be okay…but I didn’t hear anything. I turned around just in time to see something no one saw coming.

It was another meteor heading for mars. I closed my eyes and accepted my fate with a smile on my face because I knew in just a few seconds I would be with you again. Within those few seconds a thousand things went through my mind like a bullet and the last thing I felt was not pain, it was not hurt, it was not guilt, it was peace.

That day two planets, and the entire human race was destroyed in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Never to be forgotten, because no one was alive to remember.
By T.J. Tom.

Angels on earth.

I was nervous but I knew what I had to do. I grabbed my 45, put in in my pants pocket, and headed down the cold lonesome street. The house that I came to looked like it should be tore down…but so did every other house on the block. There was only one light on. As I knocked on the old wooden door I stood there wondering…”Why me? Why do iIhave to do this? “I should have never got involved with these people…but at the time they where all I had…I had no one else. Someone finally answered the door after what seemed like forever. The person I saw there was a old woman with peaceful blue eyes and silver in her hair. She spoke in a kind and gentile voice as she said, “Young man what on earth are you doing out here in the rain. Come inside and dry off before you catch cold.”
I will never understand why I didn’t just do it right there…but there was something about her…some sort of kindness in her eyes some sort of peacefulness surrounding her and something about the way she was being so kind to me…I just couldn’t do it….at least not yet…
The inside of her house wasn’t much better than the outside. The roof leaked in three places, one of the windows was busted, and the old wooden floors looked like they could give away at anytime. The old lady had two pieces of furniture, a old wooden rocker and a holey couch. She turned to me and said “Young man you look hungry. I don’t have much but if you want-”
“No thanks lady. Hey why you being so trusting of me? Hell for all you knows I could want to kill ya.”
She spoke with the same kindness as she said, “Young man please don’t use that kind of talk in my house.”
I rolled my eyes “You still didn’t answer my question lady.”
She spoke in a firm but not harsh tone as she said “The reason I’m being so trusting of you is because my momma always told me, “You never know who might be a angel.” so that young man is why I am being so trusting of you…and if you were someone who wanted to kill me then I think you would have already done it by now.”
I Just smiled at her and said “Trust me lady I ain’t no angel…ain’t no such thing as angels anyway…”
She looked at me and said, “Excuse me?”
So I said it again “ain’t no such thing as angels lady.”
“Young man surly you don’t mean that”
“Prove to me that they are angel’s lady and I will prove to you there is a God.”
She walked over to her rocker and sat down. “Do you have some time to kill young man?” she asked.
I laughed at the irony and said “Yeah. I sure do lady…I sure do”
“Do you know about heaven and hell young man?”
“Yeah if you’re good you go to heaven but if you’re not you go to hell…but I don’t believe in all that crap lady.”
“Have you even bothered to try?”
The truth is i haven’t. Growing up I had no one, not even friends, to talk to about that stuff and now this old lady was trying to tell me about it…I was a total stranger to her and yet…she actually cared and she cared enough about me to talk to me about stuff I had no clue about. “No…I haven’t I replied.” In a more softer tone now.
“Well just you sit rite there and listen to what I’m about to tell you.”
For the next three hours I heard her tell some incredible stories about how God made the world and every living thing that moves, the trees, the sky, everything…and then there was a great flood. and how some guy named Noah made a huge ark and put two of every animal on it. Then some stuff about slaves and how a brave man named Moses stood up to pharaoh and freed his people and then I heard something that almost brought tears to my eyes. God sent his only son to die on a cross for all of our sins…but he rose again three days after he died and he promised he would come back and take all of his people to live in his kingdom with him. All these stories sounded like fiction but something in my heart knew that they were somehow true and by the end of that night I was a changed man. After she was done she said in a very gentle and understanding voice “Now young man now do you understand?”
“Ye-yes I do” I said with a voice I didn’t know who’s was. Then I remembered what I had to do. I didn’t want to but I knew if I didn’t kill her they would kill me. I jumped up, pulled out my 45., and aimed it right at her…the strange thing was that I didn’t see no fear in her eyes and she spoke with the same kindness and understanding as she said “Young man you don’t want to do this…I know you don’t.”
“SHUT UP LADY…I have to do this…I have no choice.” I had tears in my eyes and my breathing was hard and heavy because she was right…I didn’t want to do this.
“Young man you always have a choice and if you chose to pull that trigger you can’t take it back and you will spend the rest of your life in guilt…and trust me young man you don’t want that I know that there is good in you and that’s why I know you wont pull that trigger”
My heart was about to fly out of my chest and my mind was going crazy but then something happen…I thought about how kind she was to me and how she trusted me…she was a stranger and yet at that time she was the only true friend I had…and I trusted that old lady more than anyone and anything.
“You don’t deserve this.” I said as I let the gun drop from my hand to the floor. I fell to my knees and started to cry…she walked over and knelt beside me. All I could say was how sorry I was…
After a long silence she said “Young man why on earth would you do something like that?”
“I…I don’t know…all I know is that…I hate the person I have become…I can’t live like this no more.” I cried like I never cried before…and in truth i haven’t…not when my dad left my mother, not when I had to steal just to keep from starving, not when i found out my dad died and not even when my mom died….but now…now the tears were poring out of my eyes like rain.
“Young man what made you drop that gun?”
“Those stories you told me…where they true? Can God…really do anything?”
“Of course he can.” she said as she was wiping my tears away witch in truth only made me cry more.
“C-can he save me and make me better? I ask in a trembling tear stricken voice.
“Yes…he can all you have to do is say this prayer with me. God. I love you. I admit to you I am a sinner and I know Jesus died on that cross and he is your only son and I know he died for my sin. God I need you in my life. Please come into my heart and make me whole. I confess Jesus as my savior and lord.. thank you for saving me from sin God. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.”

I said it word for word with her and I meant every bit of it too. When I opened my eyes I felt like a new person. I got up, looked around, and noticed that the old lady was gone I looked and all I found was note that was beside me right where she was and this is what it read

“Young man I told you that there were angels on earth…and now my job is done. I will see you when your work is through…and always remember that I will be watching you in all that you do.”

It has now been twenty years since that day and I have a wife, two kids, and I work as a traveling preacher. I tell this story everywhere I go and I have seen over three hundred people saved…and I feel that my work isn’t near done…and I could not be happier with my life.
By T.J. Tom.

One step at a time.

One step at a time.

“You’re different from other guys.” She said, “You’re silly at times but you know when to be serious. You’re sweet, kind and you’re always telling me how beautiful I am. you’re…you’re a really good guy.” She smiled at me.
“Well your a pretty good girl Katie.” I said with a smile .
We locked eyes and I felt something I haven’t felt before…I felt like I was floating but at the same time I felt fear…felt fear of what I was feeling. I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart started to race as I felt myself leaning towards her but just as our lips where about to meet a voice in my head yelled “STOP!” So I pulled back
“What’s wrong James?” She asked in a sympathetic voice. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No Katie. You didn’t do a thing wrong. I just..don’t want this to get weird.”
” I know how you feel. I’m scared too…but you’re special to me. I have never felt this way for anyone or anything before.” she looked me right in the eyes and said “James. I-I think I’m falling for you.”
I was almost at a loss for words…I felt the exact same way. I wanted to let lose right there and let my feelings pour out of me like the rain from the heavens above. I wanted to tell her I loved her…I wanted to let myself fall for her but I just couldn’t. I let my mind lead me instead of my heart as I said,
“I’m sorry Katie…I just don’t feel the same.”I regretted those words as soon as I said them. I could tell those words hurt her but at the same time I could tell those beautiful blue eyes of hers could tell I was lying she can always see right through me, but before she could say a single word back to me, I got up and left.

When I got back home that night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned and tossed and turned. All I could see was her, even when I closed my eyes, all I could think of was her..all I thought about was her “You’re an idiot James” I thought to myself. “Why did you not kiss her? You’re an idiot. You hurt her when you said what you did. What are you so afraid of? You love her and you know it…NO! What you said was true James. You don’t feel the same way. You don’t love her you just don’t” I told myself lies till I finally drifted off to sleep…that night I dreamt of her…we where in a room all alone and she leaned in to kiss me and I was going to let myself kiss her. We were just about to kiss when I was woken by the sound of my alarm clock.

For the next few weeks I tried to distance myself from her the best I could. Every phone call from her I would ignore, every text I would get from her would go unreplied, and every time I would see her I would turn around and walk the other way because I thought that the less contact I have with her the more my feelings might fade…but they didn’t fade a bit. They only got stronger.
Then one day I saw her at the mall and she saw me…but before I could turn around and head the other way she stopped me and said “Hey James.”
“Oh hey Katie…what’s up?”
“Nothing…hey umm I’ve been trying to call you but all I’ve been getting is your voice mail.”
“Yeah…I’ve uh I have just been busy Katie…that’s all.” I tried to avoid eye contact but failed.
“You’re not avoiding me…are you?” She ask in a questionable voice.
“Don’t be silly Katie.” I lied “Why on earth would I be avoiding you?” I let off a nervous chuckle to try to relieve some of the tension.
“Well it seems like you are…anyway I need to talk to you…about the other night. Can you stop by my place sometime tonight? Please James?”
I looked down at my feet and said “I um…I can’t. I’m going to be busy tonight.” I lied again, “Maybe some other time” I seen something close to anger in her expression. She knew I was lying. She looked like she was about to say something but before she could I turned around and walked away. I hated being like this towards her but I kept telling myself these feelings would go away, but they didn’t.

About three more days went bye. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I gave in and went to her house…I walked up to her door and knocked. When she answered she stared daggers at me and everything I planned to say to her just went out the window.
“Hey Katie.” I spoke with a voice that was soft and humble.
“Oh hey James… you’re actually going to talk to me now?” she spoke with a harsh voice I never heard from her before.
“I’m sorry Katie. I jus-”
“You’re just what? You’re just too good to talk to me anymore? You know you have been being a flat out jerk to me for the past month now and you just stroll up here and think a simple sorry will fix everything?!” There were fire in her words and they stung more then I thought they would “You know what? If you don’t like me anymore that’s fine but that’s no reason to-”
“You know what Katie?…you’re right. I don’t like you anymore.” I seen her expression go from anger to sadness in the blink of an eye and her eyes started to fill with tears but before she could cry a single one I looked her dead in the eyes and said,
“I don’t like you anymore, because I now realize I love you Katie…I think I always have.” and with those words I did what I should have done in the first place. I grabbed her by the waist, held her close, looked her in the eyes, and kissed her right there on her front porch. That was a feeling that I can’t nor will I ever be able to put into words.

As I held her close she looked up at me and said “I love you too” then she bit her bottom lip and asked in almost a whisper
“Do you want to take this inside?” She smiled a mischievous little smile at me.
“Lets just take this one step at a time Katie…one step at a time.”
By T.J. Tom

The perfect date.

The perfect date.

It was a cool night, cool but not cold. We were sitting out by a lake with the moonlight reflecting off the water and there is no one around us. We are completely alone. We are just sitting there talking when you turn to me, your eyes are shining like the beautiful stars up above us. You smile and speak in a voice as soft as cotton and as sweet as honey as you say…”I love you.”

I want to kiss you but I’m too afraid but its like you read my mind because at that very moment you wrap your arms around me and kiss me right on the lips. Our tongues dance in each others mouth. Words can’t describe how that feeling felt. For a moment I forgot where and who I was…and as the moment came to a end you looked at me as I gazed into your still sparkling eyes as I said in a whispered “I love you too.”

You then take my hand and we sit there side by side and just talk the night away.

By T.J. Tom

The worst excuse ever.

The worst excuse ever.

Well to start off with, it was dark and stormy. I awoke in a cold sweat. My heart was pounding like the beat of a drum as I kept hearing my name being called over and over again…”Johny…Johny.” it said in a cold hoarse whisper.
“W-who’s there?” I asked in a trembling voice that I barley recognized. “Show yourself.”
“Are you sure you want that little boy?”
“Y-y-yes…I’m sure. SHOW YOURSELF!” Then from out of the darkness it appeared. It was a tall dark shadowy looking figure that had glowing red eyes like a demon sharp blood stained teeth and skin like a dragon.
It just kept whispering my name over and over again. “Johney…Johney…JOHNEY! HA! HA! HA! You better start running boy.”

I threw myself out of bed and ran as fast as i could outside. I could hear it right behind me it was still calling my name over and over again and laughing it’s sick, demonic, laugh.
“Johney…Johney..I’m coming to get you Johny, you better run faster boy faster…faster..FASTER! HA! HA! HA!”
I was terrified and all I could do was run then I saw the school I ran into it then I turned and looked back and the dark figure was gone. Relieved I ran into my class room and that Mrs. Lay is why I was late for school.
“Oh Johny you’re going to have to do much better then that to fool me young man.”

By T.J.Tom

The day my nanna died.

The day my nanna died.

It was early morning….and raining I think. I had been awake for a little while already when my mom got a phone call from the nursing home saying for her to get to the hospital as soon as she could. She came rushing into my room and told me. I asked her what it was about and she said it was about my nanna and for her to get there soon.

Me, her, my uncle, and my uncles girlfriend Trish got into the car and headed to Wilburton. We where living in a town about twenty minutes away at the time called Quinton. We got on the highway but we got stuck behind a slow car and it was was aggravating to my mom at the time because we where in a hurry…but I remember later her saying that she thinks that God made that happen to protect us because if that car wouldn’t have been there she would have wrecked from driving to fast on the slick roads.

I remember when we finally got to the hospital there in Wilburton we practically ran up the hallway to the ER room, when some lady ran up to my mom, hugged her, and told her something. My mom burst into tears. I knew what happen before my mom told me and my heart sank like a rock. I felt this sadness and I couldn’t have fought back the tears even if I wanted to. I felt…alone…lost and I felt as if I would never feel happiness again. I cried and I cried then I cried some more. My mom told me I could see her if I wanted to…

She was in a towel on a stretcher…she was dead and nothing I could do would ever change that but still yet I cried. I walked up to her and lifted up one of her eyelids and seen her lifeless blue eye staring back at me…she had beautiful eyes. Whether they were filled with happiness or sadness…but now they where filled with nothing…and it hurt. I wanted her to raise up off the stretcher and ask me what I was doing or something…but she didn’t…I told her i loved her and went back out.

I went outside the hospital and sat on a bench. i was alone. It was still raining outside and now it was raining in my heart. I went back inside and looked at her one more time then my mom told me that a hearse was going to be there to pick her up before long. I couldn’t bare to watch that so I went to the hospital lobby and sat there.

My aunt and two of my cousins were there already, but they didn’t stay long. My consular was there also. He tried to talk to me but I honestly cant remember all of what he was saying. He told me if I needed someone to talk to I could call him anytime. I never did take him up on that offer, even tho I probably should have.

It has been over two years now since she died and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I loved her so much. You know, t’s the little things you miss the most..like their smile, their laugh, their kisses on the cheek, the way they use to always be there for you no matter what, the way they use to hug you, or the way they use to say things. The thing I miss most would be all of the above. I will never be able to tell her how much she meant to me, never get to give her another hug, or tell her I love her again, and it hurts so bad.

I didn’t get that mad at God though. I got more mad at myself. I should have treated her better, hell we all should have, I shouldn’t have took her for granted and I should have spent more time with her…but should haves could haves don’t amount to a hill of beans now. I guess that old saying is true, “You really don’t know what you got till it’s gone.” I know I sure didn’t.

By T.J. Tom

I am what I am.

I am what I am.

Day after day I get picked on by him, and day after day no one says anything, it’s not like I expect them to though. It’s not their place to say anything. I am a grown man, and I should be able to stand up for myself, but standing up against him is harder then it should be.

So anyway, I was just minding my own business, not hurting or bothering anyone, when someone yelled, “Hey faggot! Better not be thinking about me over there!” I recognized the voice, but didn’t acknowledge him. I just sat there and tried to ignore him while I ate my lunch, but he was persistent. He came over to where I was sitting, knocked my sandwich out of my hand and said, “Hey, I’m talking to you, and when I talk you listen. Got it?”.
I just smiled to myself and almost laughed at his immaturity, and laughing at what this has reduced him to. It’s reduced him to a petty man with petty insults that do no harm to me anymore. I guess I got use to it over the years. I laughed out loud a little bit too I guess, because his next words were, “What’s so funny faggot?”
Now I tried to bite my tongue, I really did, because he just wasn’t worth the energy it would take to tell him where to go and how to get there, but I couldn’t do that this time. I just smiled and said, “You know Kent, it’s weird.
“What is? Weird that you’re still a cock sucker?” He let off a sarcastic chuckle.
“No, not at all. I find that quite normal” I looked him in the eye and said, it’s weird that someone like you, a grown man who claims to be such a mature, responsible adult, has nothing else better to do with his time then to make homophobic insults towards me just because I happen to be different and he happens to be somehow offended or rather intimidated by the fact that I am a proud gay man.” I stood up. “And I think that a man like yourself is only insulting me to hide his own insecurities and attempt to cover up the fact that he is a in the closet homosexual, who probably dreams about having kinky prison sex in the shower with some big, black guy named big blue. Now please just leave me the hell alone.” I then smiled the biggest smile I could at him and attempted to turn around and walk off, but he turned me around and threw a fist at me. I dodged it, then before he could throw another one I wrapped my arms around him, kissed him right on the lips, and before he had time to even react I took off running as fast as I could.

It didn’t take him long to react apparently, because I could hear his footsteps right behind me. He was cussing at me and calling me every name in the book. I was laughing so hard and blurted out, “Did you like it that much Kent? I didn’t know I was that good of a kisser.”. I kept running till I turned into a alley way and ran right into a dead end. “Damn it” I thought to myself. “Now what?”.
“No where to run now gay boy, what are you going to do?”
I just stood there, still smiling.
“Answer me now faggot. What are you going to do?”
I still just stood there in silence,
His eyes filled with rage as he screamed at the top of his lungs “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?! he then proceeded to run towards me, roaring like a lion.

Now I may not be the smartest guy there is, but I know that if a bull is running at you full speed, you just simply move out of the way. So that is exactly what this bull fighter did. He then went headfirst into the brick wall behind me so hard that I’m surprised that he didn’t break it.
He stumbled, turned around, and looked at me. There was a dazed look in his eyes and blood running down his forehand. He fell to the ground. I rushed over to check on him but he was unresponsive.
Now, I could have just left him there and not done anything, because by all rights I should have hated him, but when I looked at him I didn’t see someone I hated, I didn’t see the person who loved to see me hurt, the person who laughed when my own parents turned their backs on me, I didn’t see the person who now finds pleasure in my pain, and laughs at every tear I cry out in front of him, and I didn’t see the person who himself had also turned away from me all those years ago. No, I see the friend I once had, the friend who use to always be there for me, the friend who use to always have my back, the friend whom I could always depend on, the friend who once risked his own life to save my own, the friend who knows my strengths and my weaknesses, the friend who let me cry on his shoulder when I lost my grandmother, the friend whom I let cry on my shoulder when his mother died. When I look at him I see the person he was all those years ago, not the person he has become today, so with all that in mind I wouldn’t, no, I couldn’t just leave him there, because even after all the names, all the bruises, all the tears, and all this pain he has caused me, I still, and forever will, loved him. I called the hospital and performed CPR on him till help arrived. I rode with him in the ambulance and only left his side because I had to.

He woke up three days later and I right there with him. I told him everything that happen.
“I didn’t deserve that man.” He said, “Why did you save me?”
“Because that’s what friends do bro. They stick by each other no matter what.”
“After everything I have done to you, and after all the hurt I caused you, do you really still consider us friends Mark?”
“Listen Kent, you may have stopped being my friend, but no matter what, I will never stop being yours…I love you bro.”
He gave me a weird look.
“No homo though,” I said as I smiled, “you’re not my type.” We both started laughing then.

We left everything in the past that day and he has finally gotten passed the fact that I am what I am, and nothing will ever change that, and although I can tell he is still a little uncomfortable around me we are slowly getting back to where we were all those years ago.

By T.J. Tom.

2/15/2013

The day Jake had enough.

The day Jake had enough.

I was eating lunch minding my own business when Billy Philips hit me upside the head with a book. Now Billy is the biggest jerk and bully I know. He also has red hair, brown eyes, and is about six feet tall. He picks on me day in and day out for no reason whatsoever. He has brought me to the point of tears before…and trust me that takes a lot.
“What you doing you four eye freak?” He asked.
“Just sitting eating my lunch.” I said. Hoping that he would just leave me alone.
“Are you going to eat you corn dog?”
“Yep sure am.” My voice sounded more shaky than normal.
“Well not anymore.” He said as he took it right off my plate. I opened my mouth to try to say something but before I could he smacked me in the head again and walked off laughing.
I just sat there almost to the point of tears again. “I should be use to this crap by now.” I thought. “It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t day, after day, after day, after freaking day!” My thoughts where so loud I could almost hear them. About that time Ashley sat down beside me…
Ashley is about the only person that I truly consider a friend, she doesn’t laugh at me, she sticks up for me when no one else will, and she is one of the few people who are actually nice to me. She also has brown hair and blue eyes…oh and I have also had a crush on her since preschool. She looked at me with her big blue eyes and asked me what happen. I didn’t even have to tell her because she already knew.
“That big oversized meatball. Someone should teach him a lesson.” She said, with anger in her voice.
“Yes someone should.” I said, in a more somber tone.
“Jake you got to stop letting him do that to you. Stand up to him! Show him he can’t treat you like that!”
“It’s alright. I’m I’m use to it by now anyway.” I lied…and she knew it.
“Jake don’t you dare sit there and lie to me! I know you way to well and people don’t just get use to that kind of stuff. I bet if you stood up to him he-”
“I would if I could Ashley…” I said not meaning to cut her off. “but he is bigger then me and it would just make him pick on me more.”
She just shook her head and said “I’m getting tired of him doing this to you Jake. He has no right to do that to you.” Her tone was more sympathetic now.
“Its ok Ash.”
“No its not Jake.” She looked at me and I couldn’t quite read the expression on her face. “That jerk needs to pick on someone his own size.”

Later that day I was walking home with Ashley, because we live right next door from each other, and we were just talking about random things when she asked me a question that really caught me off guard. She asked me if I ever had a crush on her. I didn’t really know how to respond to that. I didn’t want to lie to her but at the same time I didn’t want to tell her the truth.
“Well…I umm…I…I…don’t know.” That was all I could think of to say.
“How do you not know Jake?”
“I don’t know…I just…Can we talk about this some other time?” She could here the nervousness in my voice.
“Why don’t you want to talk about it now?” She asked.
“I just don’t Ash…” I came off more harsh then I intended to.
“Okay”, she said and then she smiled at me…it was a fake smile though.
The next day I was eating lunch outside with Ashley again and talking to her about yesterday telling her I was sorry if I snapped at her.
“Its ok Jake. I understand. You had a rough day and I could tell that I kinda caught ya off guard a little.” She kind of chuckled a bit as she said that.
“That’s still no excuse. I shouldn’t hav-” I was cut off by Billy yelling;
“Hey four eyed Jake. Is that your girlfriend?” I just ignored him thinking maybe if I did he would leave me alone. But then he walked over to where me and Ashley where sitting and said;
“I asked you a question dumbass.” I still ignored him. Then he hit me in the back of the head and said;
“You better answer my question four eyes.” About that time Ashley stood up and said;
“What if I am?! What if I am Jakes girlfriend?! What business is it of your’s creep?” My jaw dropped when I heard her say those words Billy just started laughing. Then he pushed her down and that was all it took.

I stood up and punched him in his face. He kind of stumbled backwards and before he could hit me back I hit him again. He tried to hit me back but I ducked down and hit him right where no man wants to be hit. Then as he was bent over grabbing himself I kicked him in the face. He fell backwards and I jumped on top of him and was punching him as hard as I could and all the years of him picking on me day in and day out, all the names he called me, all the hits, all the bruises, everything was just coming out of me in every single punch. By that time there where two teachers and the principal trying to get me off him but I just couldn’t stop. I finally snapped back into reality when I heard Ashley yell “Stop Jake. Thats enough!” I did and the teachers where finally able pulled me off him and Mister Walls (the principal) took me to his office.
“What the heck was that Jake?!” Mister Wall said once I got too his office. I couldn’t speak. I could barely breath but most of all I couldn’t believe what I just done or how good I felt.
“You know I could expel you right Jake? What where you thinking? You could have seriously hurt that boy!”
“To be honest sir…I hope I did. You have no idea what Billy has put me through the past few years, or what he has done to me. He pushed my best friend down and I jus-”
“It doesn’t matter Jake. You should have got a teacher or came and got me to deal with it. ” He was almost yelling at me now.
“And be labeled both a snitch and a loser sir?”
“Look young man, Yo-” He was interrupted by a knock on the door. “Come in he yelled!” It was Ashley.
“What do you want Miss Smith?” He asked in a harsh tone.
“Sir.” She said. “What happen wasn’t Jakes fault.” She looked at me then looked back at Mister Walls. “Sir, Billy has been picking on Jake for years and he came over and started calling Jake names again and when I stood up and said something to him he just laughed and pushed me down. That’s what made Jake snap sir. So if anyone should be punished it should be Billy not Jake.”
“Is that true young man?” He asked.
“Yes sir.” I said. “Thats what I was trying to explain to you.” Mister Walls took a deep breath and said;
“Ok son…You got three days of ISS starting Monday. Now get to class.”
“What about Billy?” Ashley asked.
“He will get the same thing if not more and I will be sure to tell all of y’all’s parents what happen. Now just you two worry about getting to class.”

On our way to class I had a lot on my mind but not least on my mind was Ashley. But my thoughts where interrupted by Ashley telling me
“Thanks.”
“Thanks for what?” I asked
“Thanks for finally knocking that asshole out. That was freaking awesome. ”
“No problem Ash… It felt pretty dang good to get all that anger out…are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but Jake You really scared me for a sec. I have never seen you like that before…What made you stop?”
“Well to be honest you did. When I heard you yell stop it just kinda snapped me back into reality.” I then took a deep breath and said; “Hey Ashley. You remember you asked me if I ever had a crush on you yesterday?”
“Yes I remember. What about it?” We both stopped in the middle of the hall way. I looked her dead in the eye and said;
“Well…the truth is I have had a crush on you. every since I first met you in preschool.” She smiled at me and asked
“Well why have you never said anything before Jake?”
“Because I didn’t want you to look at me different or act different towards me…”
“Now why on earth would I do that?”
“I…I really don’t know.” I said half laughing. She smiled at me again, grabbed my hand and kissed me on the cheek. My face turned bright red and my heart felt like it was about to fly out of my chest.
“Well I like you to Jake she said.” Then we both walked to class.

The next time I saw Billy. His face was bruised up and he was wearing a face mask because I broke his nose. He walked over to me and I tried to apologize but before I could…he said he was sorry and asked if he could sit with me and Ashley. We both looked at each other and said yes at the same time. He is now my friend and he has never bothered me again.
By T.J. Tom